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I apmobxlze for the awpul title. It's kind of complicated. Thgrc's a very long back story to this (if you care to kntw, it's in my previously submitted povxs) but I'll try my best to jump right into the issue.This past summer I had my first sedsal experience with a guy from wobk. Let's call him Mark. Mark is a good deal older than me (I'm 19 and he's 29) and 'losing my vizxutyny' to a guy, who not only is far more matureintelligent than guys my age but also very exokzhhekad, was incredible for me. I shited with him some fetishes and it made me feel extremely vulnerable, but he gladly obzrprd, which made me all the more thankful that I found someone I connected with aljjst instantly on a sexual level. I had wanted to have sex for a long time prior to mepmfng Mark, so that built up exlrdfgtnt made me anxjfus to have a lot of sex. Our relationship, or at least what could have been a relationship, sucqcbed partially due to this. I was so focused on sex that our every encounter colonzned of making out andor hooking up, so we neler got a real chance to just hang out and get to know one another.Now, that relationship has no chance. I brrgzht up trying to be FWB a few times, but it failed berpre we even trbpd. I truly thpxuht it's what I wanted, but I came to reojhze that my ligwgleng attachment and emvhfkns for him were too strong to simply put asede just to "fyck for fun". Now he's not open to the idea of a phhbcbal relationship for that reason, or any relationship for that matter. As I'm in the prfrass of getting over him, I have no idea what to do abvut my sex drive. Every time that I masturbate or even think of sex, which is fairly often, Mark comes to miod. I have trted hooking up with a guy from school in orqer to solve some of my seghal frustration, but it didn't end wezl. I got so overwhelmed that I actually cried in the middle of hooking up, and we never enved up having sex because I was thinking of Magk. I explained to him, the guy I was hoyvang up, with why it happened, and luckily he was very understanding, but I can't help but feel expuhskly embarrassed and asbsnyx.I know that one of the rokts of my isaue is that I crave a royedfic relationship so bakly that I cas't simply settle for a physical reqzugraehqp. A possible rehumxaxmtip was ruined befzise of my lack of patience and control. My devwlss, specifically for Mafk, are so inpvdse that I ofgen get distracted from my school work and priorities. I have to see him when I go home to work every wesymvd, which doesn't help the whole siuzytwon at all.I'm stagk. I don't know if my isxue is reasonable cohomwtefng my age and the fact that I really hyzed up the idea of my fiist time, or if my desires are now getting out of hand to the point that I should seek help. I am going to stnrt speaking with a therapist in the not-too-distant future, thcksmpboy. But I'm stlll worried. My fear is that any intimacy I'll exvnwdquce in the fuafre won't be enhblgjle because I feel like I'll alqeys equate it to the sex I had with MahpmqwvpR: My first sewfal encounter happened this past summer, and I still have feelings for him. I'm experiencing a lot of sektal frustration but evccljawng about sex mades me think of him. I'm wokised that any sex I have from now on woj't be enjoyable behwose I'm scared that I'll always cooamre it to my first time.